Survivor Report Card

We’re exactly one month into Survivor, so it seems a good time to check my progress on the predictions I made after the season premiere. If you haven’t watched tonight’s episode yet, stop reading now.

Go on, get outta here.

Alright, I’ve taken the liberty of assigning myself some early grades; these are by no means final, and some areas are even marked as “incomplete” for the time-being. Feel free to let me know if you think I’ve gotten something wrong.

As a reminder, all my predictions were prefaced with the phrase “most likely to”:

  • Do something so wrong it’s awesome: Russell, Villains … Grade: B (Stealing and then burying the machete was pretty evil but no more so than dumping out canteens and swiping socks last season. However, if he can stay in the game, his “alliance” with Coach could give me some upward mobility.)
  • Get screwed by being too obviously strong: J.T., Heroes … Grade: Incomplete (The way he’s going, though, it may be because he’s gotten kind of shady.)
  • Be unnecessarily creepy: Tyson, Villains … Grade: Incomplete (He’d probably nominate Coach for all the gentle sobbing.)
  • Look like a jackass when he abandons his commitment to play a “clean game”: Colby, Heroes … Grade: C- (He had no problem blindsiding Cirie, but Coach forgot his tai chi and went running toward that hidden immunity idol awfully fast.)
  • Make me stand up and cheer when he gets voted off: Colby, Heroes … Grade: B+ (Probst just called you out for being a punk about the chocolate; you’re well on your way to making this one come true. Oh, and nice hat.)
  • Be smothered while he sleeps: Tie—Coach and Randy, Villains … Grade: C (Randy didn’t hang around long enough, but hope springs eternal with Coach.)
  • Remind me why I love being a part of Red Sox Nation: Boston Rob, Villains … Grade: A- (Did you see how quickly he was on Rupert after he chucked Jerri into the wall?)
  • Make an exceedingly naïve decision: Amanda, Heroes … Grade B- (She literally scampered down the beach to meet James. No one who scampers makes wise decisions. Yet Coach giddily entered into an alliance with Russell tonight. This has the potential to drop me into the low C-range.)
  • Get disproportionately angry because in a Survivor first, someone lied: Coach, Villains … Grade: Incomplete (But the storm is brewing.)
  • Deserve to win it all: Russell, Villains … Grade: C+ (Plus: He found the hidden immunity idol … again … and is totally sucking Coach in. Minus: He’s putting too big of a target on himself this time around.)

I also boldly stated the winner would be:

  • Cirie, Heroes … Grade F+ (She was the fourth person voted out. The plus is because they all at least admitted she was too smart.)

Setting aside the incompletes and assigning equal weight to each class, it looks like I’m currently carrying a 2.33 GPA, or a C+ average.

I was feeling pretty good about myself until my wife told me I would be on her “cause for concern” list.

Well, the last time I checked, C’s get degrees.

Stay tuned to see if I can hang on.


  1. Ted

    That's an interesting question, Elephant, although I think the more pressing one is: Who amongst my family and friends would go by the alias Elephant?

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