Dining Room Office State of Mind

Testing, one, two; one, two, three, four.

Uh … hi. My name is Ted. And I’ll be performing this to the beat of Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind.” Feel free to sing the chorus yourselves.

Hit it.

You know I represent that D-O, next to our staircase,

All day Friday I can call it my workplace.
Show up drowsy, still rockin’ PJ’s,
Jenny lookin’ pissed as she rolls out the driveway.

Pull out the swivel chair, move a pile of laundry,

Phone starts ringing and puts me in a quandary.
It’s 1–800, a toll-free caller,
If I answer, at that telemarketer I’m gonna holler.

Sit down at my desk, thank you IKEA,

You building furniture was a really good idea.
Yeah I know, assembly’s required,
But to tell you the truth, Jenny didn’t get that tired.

Turn on the desk light, then comes the new MacBook,

Shout out to Justin Long and our old Apple iBook.
Doing this once a week, trying to make it five times,
Sign me a book deal and I’ll be writing more rhymes …

In the dining room, this extra space that we didn’t use,

Except to shred bills—no, not ones that were still due,
Ones that were paid and became must-kills
Because ID theft’s a social ill, made it an office, office, office.

A memoir about the mall, for today and tomorrow,

Hell, I’m doing more for the mall than the pizza at Sbarro.
Speaking of, how do you pronounce it?
I think it’s “Sh-barro,” and I ain’t afraid to announce it.

Three-and-a-half years, that’s how long I was writing,

Well, not literally, there were plenty Ted sightings.
Outside the D-O, obsessed with the Red Sox,
But couldn’t pay me to see Dave Matthews at Red Rocks.

Now I’m editing and sending agent queries,

Trying to blow up like my name was Cousin Larry—
You know who he is, that guy from Perfect Strangers,
Balki’s boy who wrote for that fake Chicago paper.

It’s just too bad, you can’t buy me on eTrade,

Cuz if I were a stock, then you would be gettin’ paid.
Yes indeed, I’ll make inflated claims,
Say almost anything, that’s how we’re living …

In the dining room, this extra space that we didn’t use,

Except to shred bills—no, not ones that were still due,
Ones that were paid and became must-kills
Because ID theft’s a social ill, made it an office, office, office.

Lunch time comes, I’m thinking ’bout a sandwich,

The only problem is, I didn’t really plan this.
Two loaves of bread, both lookin’ kind of ugly,
Almost as bad as grandpa in a Snuggie.

But it’s OK, panic I don’t even spy you,

Four words, son: Jimmy John’s drive thru.
Young Joseph, go on build your kingdom,
When all is said and done, your praises they will sing them.

Get back home, with my Club Lulu,

Turn on the TV, still not feelin’ Hulu.
Slow afternoon, Oxygen is where I end up stuck at,
Episode of Roseanne—yeah, I just watched that.

My break is over, I have to get to working,

And to my readers, please dispense with the smirking.
You think it’s easy to rhyme with “Sbarro”?
Don’t try this at home, unless you’re …

In the dining room, this extra space that we didn’t use,

Except to shred bills—no, not ones that were still due,
Ones that were paid and became must-kills
Because ID theft’s a social ill, made it an office, office, office.

Give it up for the 30-hour workweek,

Fridays off, shower early it’s a real feat.
Never want to go back to full-time,
Hit the snooze, you know that I feel fine.

D.R.O.P. list say yeah, yeah … yeah, yeah.

In the dining room, this extra space that we didn’t use,

Except to shred bills—no, not ones that were still due,
Ones that were paid and became must-kills
Because ID theft’s a social ill, made it an office, office, office.

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9 comments

  1. Hova

    Fine rhymes ma homie. Reminds me of my jam Success…"Your sucess took at shot at youWhat are you gonna do now? Are you gonna kill it?"

  2. Meghan Scarsella

    I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! For my belated birthday gift, I would like to hear your live version…it's up to Jenny whether or not she wants to do back up. 🙂

  3. Megan

    HAHA! I like this a lot. Especially because I woke up with the Perfect Strangers theme song stuck in my head…you know…"Standing TALLLL on the wings of my dreams. Rise and FALLLLL…" and when I made an obscure reference to sheep farming on Mipos (Meepos?), Nathan had no idea what I was talking about. And then I come here and read these lyrics and just about fall out of my chair when I see your verse on cousin Larry. You know what's up.

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