The Role of Making You Dumber Will Now be Played by This Blog

A few weeks ago, I let it slip that General Hospital has started to reel me in, thus explaining why Jenny would send me an e-mail when Daytime Emmy nominations were announced today and why my confusion wasn’t about receiving it but rather how the woman who plays Lulu still qualifies for the “younger actress” category.

It’s been a rapid, rapid descent on the wings of our DVR.

Jenny pointed out the real story, though: Drew Garrett, the guy who played Michael Corinthos III, is nominated for “Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series.” I say “played” because he recently departed from the show in the classic soap opera blaze of glory:

The mysterious voiceover.

When I used to hear people put on their best fake baritone and say things like “The role of Michael Corinthos III is now being played by Chad Duell,” I thought they were exaggerating to make fun of soap operas. I didn’t realize this kind of thing actually happens. But it does. And it makes for an amazingly awkward pause even though the actors can’t hear it and presumably have already met the new Michael.

I’m pulling for Drew to take home the Emmy because maybe when he goes to stand, the same thing will happen. From some undisclosed location in the theater, a deep voice will boom forth “The role of ‘Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series’ winner is now being played by Chad Duell.” Chad will then rise, as well, and the two Michael Corinthos IIIs will meet at the stage, each ready to stake his claim to his award.

Maybe one will start to talk and the other will bust in like Kanye.

Maybe Chad and Drew will join forces and hire several hundred look-a-likes to pull off an Eminem-inspired, “Will the real Michael Corinthos III please stand up?” performance.

Maybe a duel—how fitting—like that scene at the end of Face/Off when Nicolas Cage and John Travolta are fighting and the daughter doesn’t know whom to shoot, while no one watching the movie even cares who’s good or bad anymore, will break out.

Ahh, yes, the possibilities seem endless. But then again, they always are in the world of daytime television.

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2 comments

  1. Joshua

    I can’t say that I’ve ever followed General Hospital; I did get into All My Children for a couple of months when I broke up with a girl that worked at the cable company. My service was mysteriously disconnected; I was stuck with rabbit-ears long enough to get into the plot lines. Feel free to revoke my man-card.

  2. Ted

    I think you get a special dispensation for not having access to cable. What else were you supposed to watch?

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