Rappin’ Harry Potter Rides Again

*Note: This post originally ran back in November, but it seemed appropriate to resurrect it now. Happy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 day.

Yeah, that’s not catching on.

***

As some of you may know, I went to elementary school on 8 Mile (although I must confess it was far from the stretch Eminem frequented), so this just seemed like a natural.

The song is called “My Name Is” whether it’s Slim Shady or Harry at the mic. I don’t know if this is a “Dining Room Office State of Mind,” but it’s the best way I know to pay tribute to our favorite wizard.

Hit it.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
What?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
What?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hey there Muggles, do you like a struggle?
One starring me snatching snitches
Within a Quidditch huddle?
One where I fly a broom like MacGyver solves puzzles?
Snog Cho Chang then leave before she tries to snuggle?

I’m the chosen wizard, dude I’m fightin’ looks like a lizard
If he were dipped in a Sno Cone machine labeled “blizzard.”
And Dumbledore said: “H. Peezie, Snape’s down with our fight.”
Really? “Oh, you’re right; I’m the one lacking foresight.”

Professor, don’t get salty, I’m not sayin’ your logic’s faulty,
But the virtues of guys in black capes tend to be kinda paltry.
Even Batman’s occasionally a bad man—
All it took was Christian Bale’s voice
And this one Dementor got up and ran.

Suck away my soul with a kiss that is cold?
That would’ve scared me when I was like 10 years old.
Bring it.
“Peezie! Watch out! That one’s right on us!”
Don’t worry, Hermione—have you seen the size of my Patronus?

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
What?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
What?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Professor Trelawney keeps telling me I’m gonna die,
It’s cool, though, because her class gets me high.
Firenze is the one who really reads stars, makes me think hard
About how dope it is that I know a centaur.

I can also talk to snakes, like the Fatman talked to Jake,
And for some of you, that’s a sure sign in hell I’m gonna bake.
Let me respond in parseltongue, I promise that I’ll make it fun
Hiss, hiss, hiss—I just told you your face looks dumb.

Ouch, burn notice, that really just happened,
I watch that show when I’m not wizardin’ or rappin.’
You don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s on USA,
Oh, but if I’d said HBO then you’d all think it was OK.

Well, Cedric Diggory liked it—see, now you feel bad,
But while the topic is sad let us rejoice and be glad
And tip a 40 of butterbeer to honor our fallen friend,
I may not be gangsta, but it’s fun as hell to pretend.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

No one wait, it’s time to accept my fate.
Ron, don’t just stand there—disapparate!
You-Know-Who has to kill me, I’m a living Horcrux,
Thanks a lot, J.K., for giving me this ending that friggin’ sucks.

Psych, I was lyin,’ you know H. Peezie ain’t dyin,’
Or saying “You-Know-Who” when I can leave Tom Riddle cryin.’
That’s just how we do it in Gryffindor,
Feed Nagini to Buckbeak while Hagrid’s out back making s’mores.

Rollin’ with Hermione and Ron,
So you know that it’s on, like D-Wade with Bosh and LeBron.
And dude, Ron, I think that it’s high time for me to confess:

The heat ain’t only in Miami,
Ginny’s hot in that dress!

We won the war and crushed the Death Eaters like ants,
At one point, I think I saw Draco Malfoy soiling his pants.
His boss hit a glitch
Hit me with a killing curse—I didn’t need a stitch.
So bend over, Voldemort, cuz your Hogwarts’ bitch.

Hi, my name is …
What?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
What?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Who?
My name is …
Huh?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

Hi, my name is …
Huh?
My name is …
Who?
My name is (fricka, fricka) H. Peezie.

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