Note to Self

MEMO

TO: MY BRAIN

FROM: THE REST OF ME

RE: YESTERDAY MORNING

Dear Brain—

So yesterday, we, as a collective, relatively well-functioning human body, had the chance to enjoy one of life’s simple yet undeniable pleasures: sleeping in.

On a work day.

However, rather than revel in this opportunity by not waking up until the alarm went off and possibly even snoozing, you decided to blow it for all of us by firing up about an hour-and-a-half too early.

Don’t misunderstand: We’re not saying that mentally singing the chorus to “Till the World Ends” by Britney Spears over and over again isn’t a worthwhile pursuit; quite the contrary, it’s that kind of dedication to pop music that allowed you to let the rest of us know “If You Seek Amy” wasn’t actually about some chick named Amy.

We also don’t object to you cycling through this past Monday’s episode of Bachelor Pad and getting a little emotional when you come to the part at the end where Ames voluntarily leaves the game to stay with Jackie. You’d have to be made of stone not to.

No, the problem is when you decided to think about all this stuff. We mean really, you couldn’t stress out about how you didn’t know what to write for this blog post sometime in the ensuing 12–16 hours we were already scheduled to be awake? And don’t give us the whole “You don’t understand the pressure” line. We’ve seen the follower total; nothing around here is going viral anytime soon.

Unless mouth catches a cold. Hay-O.

Alright, that was bad. We’ll leave the humor to you. But going forward, when we don’t have to be up early, do us all a favor and save the debate on how long we can reasonably go before mowing the lawn for when we’re sitting upright.

You’re pretty high maintenance as it is; don’t make it worse.

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