You Know Who’s Awesome? Gas Stations

Don’t worry: I’m not here to complain about how much it currently costs to fill up my car. For starters, I’m almost positive my local Sunoco, replete with beef jerky and Power Ball tickets, isn’t the one determining the market price of crude oil.

Just call it a hunch.

But even if it is, I still don’t think high gas prices are all bad, as they’re probably the one thing that can drive us to develop more efficient energy sources or, at the very least, highly nuanced rhetoric such as “Drill, baby, drill” or whatever it is Steven Seagal says in that “Here’s the moral” monologue after his character blows up an oil refinery to save some Canadian geese.

So, you may be asking yourselves, what exactly is the problem, then? Well, I’ll tell you:

You keep acting like 9/10 of a cent is a thing; it’s not. You made it up.

And for what purpose? To say “Hey, Abe Lincoln, we know you won us the Civil War and all, but we thought we’d take the already pointless piece of coinage that memorializes you and mess with it a little more”?

Charge me $3.89. Or $3.90. Hell, round it up to $4.00. But don’t sit there with your state-minimum cigarettes, your $2.00 off with a car wash, and your half-assed, convenience-store Subway and tell me, with a straight face, that a gallon of gas costs $3.89.9.

That’s just anti-American.

***


Check it out: You Know Who’s Awesome? is now available for Kindle.
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