Just Your Average Christmas Card Letter

*Note: This post first appeared Dec. 24, 2010. Title makes a lot more sense now, right? Anyway, here’s why it’s back.

Hello Friends!

Well, it’s holiday 2010, and you know what that means: time for your annual update about all the “amazing” things the Family Smith has done in the last year. (Notice I used quotation marks to emphasize “amazing”; that old English major stills comes in handy–haha.)

I tried to spread the wealth this year and offered to let Mary write the letter, but she would have none of that. In fact, I’ve often overheard her saying “Dick inspires me. Dick is my whole reason for being. I can’t get enough Dick.”

OK, OK, honey. I’ll admit I was putting that in your mouth. But the two of us did have a great year.

Please note this isn’t the Mary you all know. This Mary is my new better half, who used to be my secretary and helped me realize being married to that other Mary really was a lot to ask of a man with my virility. I mean, I’m 50, and people are constantly telling me I don’t look a day over 47. Living a life of monogamy wasn’t just unfair to me, it was unfair to all the women I wasn’t sleeping with, so Mary 2 and I have moved to a free-love colony.

How jealous are you?

This turned out to make good economic sense, as well, because Mary 1 got everything but the George Foreman grill in the divorce.

She also got full custody of Timmy and Tommy, but the judge’s decision had nothing to do with my capabilities as a father. He said, and I quote, “I’m afraid those boys’ vaccinations aren’t nearly current enough for me to allow them to visit something called the… let’s see here … Age of Aquarius Towers and Day Spa.”

Damn Obamacare.

From what I hear, though, the boys have been largely unfazed by the transition. Timmy wowed the seventh-grade science fair, taking home fifth runner-up honors for his project “Marijuana: Medical Marvel or Social Pariah?” True, he was arrested several hours later for trying to sell his project by the swing set, but Mary 2 and I applaud his entrepreneurial spirit. We’re looking into getting him a job here at Aquarius–you know, once he gets out of juvie.

Tommy took a more traditional path to success in 2010. In addition to winning varsity letters in basketball and track, he earned a perfect 4.0 GPA and scored an impressive 1500 on his SATs. I can’t tell you how proud it makes me feel to share that with you, knowing full well how stupid and unathletic your children are in comparison. So what if they still “talk to you” or don’t “actively wish you harm”? Our story is already being optioned for a Lifetime original movie.

Well, not technically. But I’ve already written five pages of a screenplay. Did I mention I was an English major?

Lastly, it wouldn’t be a Smith family Christmas letter if I didn’t give an update on Fluffy McFlufferson, our adorable and cuddly pet rabbit.

Yeah, he died.

Happy Holidays!

Dick and Mary 2

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