99 Problems (HGTV Remix)

While my wife, Jenny, was on maternity leave, we got back into watching HGTV, and it is now often on in the background while #MrBaby has one of the highly rational freak-outs typical of infants.

Becoming a regular HGTV viewer for the first time since I was looking for my own house reminded me how awful the people who go on these shows can be to the hosts, leading me to start this little Twitter side project:

@HGTVProblems Twitter profile

But that wasn’t enough; I needed something more to accurately capture the dire magnitude of the problems they encounter searching for man caves and double sinks. Then, one morning while I was getting dressed, it hit me what I wanted, nay had, to do.

So, with apologies to Jay Z, I present to you for your pseudo-listening enjoyment a re-imagining of his classic “99 Problems.” I call it:

99 Problems (HGTV Remix)

I’m having house problems, so feel bad for me, son
I got 99 problems, but how to bitch ain’t one

Got a list of must-haves, what the upper crusts have
Need a kitchen counter made from one granite slab
Also give me that in the powder room lav
That’s what I call a bathroom, yes, I’m a douchebag
But this looks like the Formica my parents grabbed
To complement their house’s wall-to-wall shag
Compliments of their ’70s stoned-all-day swag
Remember that time Tupac said I ain’t mad?
He would’ve been if breakfast had looked this bad
Which it would’ve, if this were the nook that he’d had
And where the fuck is my stainless steel?
That wasn’t a negotiable part of the deal … Dunphy
This tour’s going to get really real
If you’re believing this is a spot I’d eat a meal
I have several thousand dollars, I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems, but how to bitch ain’t one
Hit me

99 problems, but how to bitch ain’t one
I’m having house problems, so feel bad for me, son
I got 99 problems, but how to bitch ain’t one

House built in ’94, no hardwood on the floor
I want me some of that Bellawood score
Tell you like the Beastie Boys did before
Bob Vila’s out back cuz he’s getting with a whore
Walk in the living room of this old house
That wall’s not big enough for my big-ass couch
And “vaulted” isn’t the word to describe that ceiling
So you know I’ma leave your RE/MAX ass reeling
Berating you ‘til you ask for that sexual healing
DL looks with my wife you begin stealing
With my back turned, her rack you begin feeling
I don’t give a shit because that paint up there’s peeling
Plus I can’t see the refrigerator from here
What part of “open concept” didn’t you hear?
When I grab myself a beer, I have to see the TV
Never miss a minute of Sex and the City
The look on your face, it tells me right where you are
“Didn’t that end 10 years ago? And what about DVR?”
Bitch, please, I watch reruns all day on E!
Have ever since I quit my job in 2003
Can’t afford a DVR, sure, but my music wouldn’t wait
Besides, I got Cheryl, and she loves working late
I’m a Samantha cuz I know how to get done
I got 99 problems, but how to bitch ain’t one
Hit me

Chorus 2x

Now, if instead of some local real estate schmo
You paired me with the hosts of an HGTV show
Not Hawaii Life, I don’t play new school
But like the Property Brothers, Jonathan and Drew
Or Hilary and David on Love It or List It
Egypt Sherrod, please don’t get it twisted
No matter the crew, you know who’s in charge
Not even Scott Baio’s livin’ this large
All you must be trippin,’ hoping that I’ll keep my mind open and
Let your words be spoken without severe eye-rollin’
No man cave—tell me you’re jokin,’ my friend
No double sinks—what’re you smokin,’ my friend?
Not my neighborhood? You’re chokin,’ my friend
Saw that en suite and thought your brain’s broken in 10
Like Windows Vista, you’re frozen, my friend
We’ve seen 81 houses, still no end
My ideal home isn’t myth or pretend
Shoutin’ “Move-in ready!”—don’t whiff it again
“Put me on your show,” I said, “I’ll be so fun”
I got 99 problems, bitchin’ on TV ain’t one
Hit me

Chorus 3x

You’re crazy for this one, Felder! It’s your boy!

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